He is in Heaven

      

As I write this blog post in my house, this beautiful face looks down at me from my wall. What was he like? An ever-smiling, rarely complaining, beautiful baby boy. He was so precious. He melted people's hearts very soon after they met him because he would often look at them until they made eye contact, then give them one of his award-winning smiles. In fact, this memory of him was felt so strongly that a local news reporter called him an "angel from heaven" in a newspaper article.

    So what happened? In short, my ten-month-old baby got sick, he was initially misdiagnosed, the diagnosis was corrected, he was operated on and a good chunk of his intestines removed, the operation was successful, then a blood transfusion was inappropriately administered ... and ten minutes later, in front of my husband, my oldest child, and me, our precious boy began to convulse -- blood came out of his mouth -- and it was impossible for the doctors and nurses to save him. Tears are streaming down my face right now as I recall those awful memories. 

    I remember the shock I felt when my husband came out of the operating room and said those words, "He is in heaven." I had heard the words clearly but I still clung to the hope that I had not heard properly. When I realized it was true, and that I would never hold him in my arms again, my heart felt ripped apart. That first month I swayed back and forth between shock and disbelief to awful heart ache. For a year after my son died, it was as if I was using a different pair of glasses. I could see things through those glasses, but everything was a dark shade. After a whole year had passed I remember one day, while walking out of our driveway and down the road to my teaching job, I suddenly became aware that the sun was shining. I looked around in surprise as I saw bright colored flowers and heard birds chirping. They had been there every day for the last year, but I had not even wanted to see or hear them. I suddenly felt God's presence clearly and was extremely thankful for His faithfulness. 

   One of my worst fears before my precious boy died, was that I might lose one of my children. God in His wisdom decided that meeting me right at the focus of that fear was what He needed, to bring me closer to Him. I will never forget my little boy that left us at such a young age, and there will always be times (like right now) when the tears just flow. But I can honestly say with Job, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" (Job 1:21b). Our God is a Sovereign God. He knows everything that is happening to us because He is in control. He also loves us tremendously and cares when we are grieving. Medical professionals make mistakes, but God does not ever make a single mistake. He had a divine purpose in taking my son so early to be with Him. And He also knew that I and my family would survive --yes, even grow stronger-- through this event. He Himself provided the strength that we needed. Because "for those who love God all things work together for good" (Rom. 8:28).

    Every person deals with grief differently and your story of experiencing grief might be totally different than mine. For those readers who have dealt with grief and feel comfortable, please feel free to share some of your thoughts and experiences in the comments section below.